I Keep Dying Inside Without You
by conventgirlvampire
Summary: Broken by the people she thought she trusted the most, Rachel lets the walls go up around her heart while releasing the beast from within. Only, who will save her from her own self-destruction?


**Title:** I Keep Dying Inside Without You

**Chapter:** 1

**Characters/Pairings:** Faberry, Brittana, Puckleberry Bromance, Pezberry Bromance, New Directions

**Word Count:** 3,281

**Spoilers:** Up to 2x16, "Original Song"; slightly AU as well.

**Summary:** Broken by the people she thought she trusted the most, Rachel lets the walls go up around her heart while releasing the beast from within. Only, who will save her from her own self-destruction?

**A/N:**Right, so this is something else. I always wanted to try writing Rachel as a badass so this is my attempt at it. It's not funny, really, as will become apparent in both this and later chapters but there will be moments of absolute ridiculousness so bear with me please and tell me what you think.

**Disclaimer:** Don't own it. Never did. Song used is _Sick_ by Evanescence.

* * *

**Chapter 1**

"Are we even going to practice tonight Noah?"

She looked up at the boy walking next o her. He was grinning mischievously and ran a hand through his Mohawk. Any other person and she might have swooned. As it was, this was Noah Puckerman so it only made her groan.

"Noah Puckerman, I am not going to engage in any deviant acts with you tonight or any other night of your choosing when we're supposed to be –"

She stopped abruptly when she came face to face with the door to the choir room, the voices inside travelling past to reach them. Listening, her face paled.

"So it's agreed that we tell Rachel that she's no longer captain, right?" Kurt was saying. "Thank goodness. I really don't want to listen to her anymore."

"Yeah," Mercedes replied, sounding smug, "I didn't think you would either. I'll take over as captain and female lead. Maybe we'll let her sing backup to us at Nationals just to say thanks for giving us Regionals without making us sing much and ruin our voices."

"Can you even believe she thinks she's the one for Finn? The little troll doesn't even know her place."

"Oh no, you've got it all wrong Satan. Rachel herself told me that the only reason she kept going after Finn was because she wants him out of the way so she could get Quinn to herself."

"You've got to be kidding me! The tranny's into pussy? If this got out then she'd be even more of a loser than she is now."

"That's why last night I emailed Jacob Ben Israel. Soon she'll be put right back where she belongs."

Rachel's knees trembled and she could feel the bile rising in her throat. Choking back a sob, she tried to catch her breath but she could barely feel anything enter or leave her airways. Her panic attack was taking control of her body and nothing she did helped. She was helped. She was close to drowning, the final push coming from the one person she never thought would go this far.

"He'll also love the pictures I sent of her diary entries too."

Her legs slipped out from under her as the weight of what had just been said crashed down on her. Her diary had been read. She had just been outed. Her privacy was no more. Worst of all, the people she had counted as her friends and pseudo-family were the ones who had done this.

She knew she was not liked and barely even accepted. Growing up in Lima as the daughter of two men very much in love with each other had made her realise that they would never accept her so she had developed a new personality that would keep people at arms length. She just never had realised how much it would hurt to feel unwanted once she let her guard down and let them in.

"Rach? You okay?"

She looked up at Puck weakly, wishing not for the first time that their friendship had never been interrupted by high school. He was all she had left, the only one who knew what had happened over Spring Break and been there for her.

"Yeah," she replied with as much of a smile as she could muster up in front of him. "I-I'm fine. I just didn't realise that it could hurt so much. Could you tell Mr. Schue that I'll be late? There's something I need to do."

Without waiting for an answer, she turned and walked away, not wanting him to see her tears.

* * *

He did not speak as he walked through the choir room door, still shocked by what he had just witnessed. She had looked so small and vulnerable as she had stood there listening to them cut her down so easily until they had broken her into a thousand tiny pieces. He had seen her when she was already shattered – their Spring Break had been nothing short of torturous for them both – but he had never seen her in the process of breaking before. It had broken his heart just watching it happen.

"Fuck," he muttered to himself only to earn a glare from Schuester as the older man walked in but he really did not care. All he wanted to know was whether or not his Jew babe was alright and that he would not find out until she came back.

"Hey guys," their supervisor said, frowning as he looked around the room. "Where's Rachel?"

Puck was about to answer when the girl in question walked in looking completely different. Gone were her obnoxious toddler-like clothes. Instead, she was wearing a dark grey hoodie, a plain whit t-shirt, black skinny jeans, a checker pair of black and white sneakers and a grey messenger cap. Any other girl and he would have said hot but this was Rachel and he really did not want to piss her off. He still had the scars from the last time to prove it too.

"Mr. Schue, I have something I'd like to sing," she said, cutting him off before he could say anything. "I promise to explain why I was late after."

"Fine," Schuester said as he gestured to the floor. "Take it away Rachel."

She nodded and took a seat, moving the guitar strapped to her back to her front as she struggled to tune it for a bit. When she was ready she looked up but he could tell that she was not really seeing them as she sang, stuck in her own fantasy world where she was safe.

_Embrace the silence  
'Cause there's nothing  
That can change the way I feel  
Taken all that you wanted  
Now there's nothing  
That can change the way I feel_

_Hold on, little girl_  
_The end is soon to come_

She closed her eyes as she sang but he could still _feel_ how much it hurt her to be in that room just then. It hurt him just as much knowing that he could have prevented this from happening so long ago and yet did nothing.

_Sick of it all  
Sick of it all  
We will not follow  
Sick of it all  
Sick of it all  
They don't understand how  
Sick we are  
Sick we are  
Of this bottomless  
Pit of lies  
Behind closed eyes  
_

He glanced at the others. Most of them were glaring at Rachel with the three blondes looking at her with any other emotion. Brittany and Sam were easy to read. While Brittany could be cruel in her own way he was sure that she had not been involved with what the others had been discussing. He could see it in the way she separated herself from them subtly, the way she gripped Sam's hand as they watched Rachel sing. Sam, he was almost sure, actually liked Rachel so there was no problem there. The only person he could not read was Quinn although it was clear that there was _something_ behind that mask of hers.

_Oceans between us  
And there's nothing  
That can change the way I feel  
I can still taste the poison  
Of every thought,  
Every breath I wasted here._

_Hold on, little girl_  
_The end is soon to come_

Closing his eyes, he let the rest of the song wash over him and, not for the first time in his life, he offered up a silent prayer for his best friend.

_Sick of it all  
Sick of it all  
We will not follow  
Sick of it all  
Sick of it all  
They don't understand how  
Sick we are  
Sick we are  
Of this bottomless  
Pit of lies  
Behind closed eyes_

_Someday you'll know the pain_  
_Someday the light will break through_  
_And nothing you tell yourself_  
_Will save us from the truth_

_Screaming out!_  
_Sick of it all_  
_Sick of it all_  
_We will not follow_  
_Sick of it all_  
_Sick of it all_  
_They don't understand how_  
_Sick we are_  
_Sick we are_  
_Of this bottomless_  
_Pit of lies_  
_Behind closed eyes._

Surprisingly, as Rachel tapered off at the end, Kurt was the first to break the silence.

"What the hell was that? Were we supposed to be impressed?"

Rachel ignored the boy, her eyes sliding directly to Puck's, a silent plea in them. He nodded once and watched her shoulders sag in relief. He understood all too well what was going on and could only hope that she was not going to hurt herself in the process.

"I was late," she began, turning to Mr. Schue, "because I was talking to the new soccer coach about joining the team."

"Why?"

"Cause glee and soccer practice are at the same time," Pucker answered Finn's question. "Coach Smythe had asked Rachel to come to tryouts last week but she missed it to come here instead."

"Hold up," Santana sneered as the group realised what was being said. "The hobbit can't be at glee and soccer at the same time. Choose one, dwarf."

The smirk on Rachel's face made Puck proud. He had always known his Jew babe was a secret badass and now she was finally letting it show.

"I quit."

* * *

Saying those two words had not been nearly as hard as walking out of the choir room. It had taken nearly all her energy just to sing that song and tell them that she was quitting but she had done it and now there was no turning back.

She allowed her lips to quirk up in a small grin. Logically she should have been devastated that she had been rejected by the club before Nationals and she knew that. She had even felt like that at first. However, once she had talked to Coach Smythe she had felt even better than when she had joined glee because finally, she was being offered the chance to do something she loved without having to hold back because of someone else's ego.

The only thing that made her feel bad was her decision to leave Noah at the club's mercy. He had made no effort to hide the fact that he knew exactly what she was doing and she knew that the others would have picked up on it as easily as predators could sense their prey's fear. After all, he had just explained half of the situation for her.

Rachel sighed. Noah would just have to deal with it and allow her to make it up to him later. Just then, she did not want to go back there, even if it was to rescue him from the others. She hoped he understood.

"Oomf!" Her body flew back slightly as she collided with someone, years of dance and athletics preventing her from falling on her ass. "I'm so sorry."

"It's alright," a surprisingly bubbly voice said in response causing her to look down into clear blue eyes. "It could have been worse."

Rachel offered the girl a hand, pulling her up from her position on the ground as she surveyed everything about the girl from her dark hair to her plump red lips and her height which was on par with Rachel's. She was quite pretty in her own way and she seemed to carry herself with confidence, something that she found herself envying.

"I'm Rachel, by the way. Rachel Berry. I apologise if this seems rude but I don't think I've seen you here before and it's much too late in the school year for you to be a transfer student. Might I enquire as to the purpose of your presence here?"

"I'm new in town and I was just looking around before I decide whether or not I want to go here next semester." The girl finally broke their eye contact and took Rachel in completely. Rachel stood there, watching in amusement as the confidence drained away only to be replaced with what she could only guess were nerves. "I-I'm Harmony, Harmony Smythe."

"Well Harmony Smythe, will you do me the honour of allowing me to escort you through the school?"

"Um…okay."

Rachel offered her arm for Harmony who hesitated before taking it and allowing her to lead the way. She could tell that she was making the other girl nervous and had to try to fight the smirk that she knew was going to come out.

Who knew? Maybe this was the start of something new.

* * *

"Regretting your decision to force Rachel out yet?"

He had been watching them for the entire meeting, his smirk growing more and more malicious with each failed attempt at a song and each botched dance session. They had left him mostly alone, probably thinking it was best to wait until practice was finished to interrogate him. He was going to have some fun with this.

"Why would we be regretting the midget's absence?" Santana asked as she nursed her swollen ankle. "Besides, we didn't do anything. She left on her own."

Puck leaned back as he took them all in. "Rachel only left to talk to the new coach after she heard you guys talking."

He noted with satisfaction the horror that appeared on their faces at this new revelation. His girl would not be happy with him if she ever found out but he could not help tearing into them slightly. The deserved it and more after the crap they just pulled anyway.

"I don't even know where to start. You think you know the real Rachel but you don't. She's never shown it to any of you and it's probably a good thing."

"What are talking about Puck? It's just Rachel."

He turned to Mercedes. "That right there is what I'm talking about. You call Rachel out on her diva attitude constantly but you treat her like she's nothing. The Rachel you guys see may have been selfish and annoying but she would never treat you like if you deserved to be bullied."

"Puck –"

"No, Q. Just…no. You invaded her privacy and then gave what you found to Jacob even though she tried to stop the same thing from happening to you."

"She never –"

"She did," he cut in. "She bribed Jewfro with her underwear so he wouldn't put your pregnancy on his blog."

"While that's all very sweet and noble –"

"Don't even go there Hummel. Rachel's done some shitty things in the past too and she cries every night about them as is. At least she has a conscience."

"What exactly is that supposed to mean?"

"You outed her Kurt! You outed her to Jewfro who's gonna out her to the entire school."

"She's been dealing with the bullies for a long time," Finn cut in. "She can handle them if she tones it down a little."

"You guys don't get it, do you? A gay guys gets bullied and everyone acts like it's normal bullying because, hey, there'll always be homophobic idiots. Sure, it's bad but unless they're psychopaths then it's nothing that can't be handled because boys can fight. That's what her dads told me once. For someone like Rachel though? A girl and a tiny one too? It won't just be names and slushies and all the other stuff they usually do. They won't just try to kill her. They'll break her, humiliate her, even try to rape her."

"Get serious Puckerman. No one's going to rape Berry."

"Yeah? Tell that to some of the meatheads out –"

A loud crash from outside interrupted Puck mid-sentence. Eyes wide as memories raced through his mind, he ran to the door just in time to see Rachel and Karofsky glaring at each other, glass from a nearby window surrounding them.

"What the fuck is your problem fagspawn? It's not like I was aiming for you."

The unsaid "this time" was implied at the end of his sentence and Puck could see that it only served to wind Rachel up even more. He only hoped that Karofsky ran before things got too out of hand.

"It doesn't matter who you were aiming for you overgrown Neanderthal excuse for a human being. You could have seriously hurt her."

Puck's eyes cut briefly to the girl next to Rachel who was cradling her shoulder before returning to his best friend just in time to see her punch the jock in his stomach. The boy staggered back from the force of the blow but seemed to recover quickly. Rachel narrowly avoided having her head smashes into the lockers and was about to kick him when a booming voice froze the two teenagers in place.

"Berry! Karofsky! What the hell are you two doing?"

"She punched me."

"He called me fagspawn."

"She pushed me into a window."

"He pushed Harmony into a locker."

If it had not been for the look of absolute fury on the dark-haired man's face as he stood between the two teenagers Puck would have laughed. They were like two little kids fighting in a playground. It was hilarious.

"You pushed my daughter into a locker?"

Karofsky looked ready to piss his pants. "No Coach. I didn't even realise she was –"

"More importantly," he interrupted, "you hit a girl."

"Coach –"

"Dad –"

The voices of the two girls drew his attention away and he turned to speak to them, allowing Puck to get a good glimpse at Karofsky. There were small cuts all over his shoulders and arms and he was currently bent over double as he struggled not to empty his stomach then and there. Shaking his head at the other jock he made his way over to him.

"You okay man?"

Karofsky shook his head but did not look up as he tried to wave Puck away from him. Puck just rolled his eyes and pushed him into a seated position, relieved when he started breathing somewhat normally again. He knew firsthand the kind of damage his girl cold do and he also knew how bad she always felt later on so he was going to do what he could to ease the guilt.

"Breathe deeply," he instructed, one eye on the pair now arguing with the coach and the other on Karofsky. "If it hurts then start to breathe faster."

"It…doesn't…hurt…that much."

"Figured it wouldn't but sometimes she can bust a rib or two."

Karofsky's eyes went wide at this causing Puck to chuckle at his expression. It was not everyday that Rachel actually hit anyone but when she did everyone was always surprised. He had always thought it was because of her size but now he wondered if there was another factor involved as well.

Moving slightly, he and Karofsky caught sight of the gleeks who were also wide-eyed. The taller boy nudged him and he turned to him, mirroring the grin that was on his face.

"Twenty bucks says they stop bugging Berry now."

"What do you know about that?"

Karofsky shrugged. "It's kind of hard not to notice when the person you're tormenting has no friends. I mean, even Hudson won't stand up for her and he was her boyfriend."

Puck nodded at this. It was easy to see that Rachel never had any friends before if one looked closely enough. She never hung out with anyone longer than the time it took for a discussion to take place before running off to do something else. He had, on occasion, tried but Rachel always stopped him, almost as if she hoped someone would risk themselves for her. It never worked, though, but he had a feeling things were about to get interesting now that they witnessed a small piece of the person that she always hid.


End file.
